Battling Loneliness

"What do you recommend to me? I'm 80 years old. At my age, my friends are..uh.….dying. How do I make new friends?" Until this question, I thought the tall, athletic man wearing a stoic face was not particularly interested in my speaking topic discussion on loneliness. I gave him a few recommendations, but his question still lingers in my mind weeks later. The truth is, it is hard to make friends, whether you are 8, 28, 48, or 80. Yet, I also know the key to happiness is not the amount of money you have in the bank but the quality of your relationships.

After leaving corporate America in 2018, my once extensive network of work friendships had dwindled to barely a handful. My long-time friendships were still intact, but there was a gap between how I wanted to spend time with my friends and how we actually spent time together.

So, in January 2020, yes, pre-COVID, I wandered into a local kayak club's weekly pool session with the hope I would make friends and improve my kayaking skills. I was incredibly lonely, withdrawn, angry, and desperate to fill a void that I didn't even know existed. I was at rock bottom, so not finding friends or not being accepted was worth the risk.

Here's the thing: I am not alone in feeling lonely.

Americans Are Lonely

In May 2023, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued the report "Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation" to raise awareness of the increasing number of people who lack social connections and meaningful relationships.

In Harvard's 2020 survey, 61% of adults 18 to 25 report feeling 'serious loneliness' compared to 39% of the general population. Harvard also reported, "About half of lonely young adults in our survey, for example, reported that no one in the past few weeks had 'taken more than just a few minutes' to ask how they are doing in a way that made them feel like the person "genuinely cared."

The University of Michigan's National Poll on Healthy Aging 2023 study discovered that 35% of adults 50-80 reported 'feeling a lack of companionship'.

That's just scratching the surface of the data supporting our increasingly lonely nation.

Loneliness Defined

Loneliness is the distress one feels when there's a gap between one's desired state of social connections and one's actual social connections. Essentially, loneliness occurs when the connections we need are greater than our actual connections.

We can be lonely in our marriage, when with our family, or on a night out with our friends. Loneliness is not about having people around us or being in a relationship. It's about the quality of those connections. If there's a disconnect between how we want our relationships to be and how they are, it's possible to feel lonely sitting at the dinner table with our spouse of 25 years.

Why Are More Americans Lonely

According to Murthy's Loneliness Report, lacking social connection can increase the risk of premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. That's not all, though. It's linked to an increased risk of dementia, diabetes, heart disease, depression, and anxiety. The bottom line is chronic loneliness can affect our mental, cognitive, and physical well-being.

Social disconnection didn't start with cell phones or working from home. For decades, we've slowly disconnected from social groups, clubs, and networks. We've steadily decreased our social circle.

Today, we have every temptation not to connect with others because of our devices. Smartphone addiction often leads us to believe we have social connections and meaningful relationships. Yet, these virtual connections do not feed the soul like in-person interactions.

Additionally, consider the popularity of staying single. As recent as 2021, the U.S. Census reported 52% of women are unmarried or separated, and in a Pew study, only 37% of young men claim to be in a relationship. Additionally, a whomping 57% of single adults say they are not interested in being in a relationship.

It's possible that a single person working from home can go days, if not weeks, with little to no social interaction.

What To Do If You Are Feeling Lonely

If you are feeling lonely, start with "being first" in the relationships you have. Be the first to call or text. Be the first to extend an invitation. Be the first to be vulnerable. Be the first to share what you hope the relationship can be.

Going first can be hard, and of course, the fear of rejection looms over us like a dark cloud. However, being the first to extend the olive branch of caring will pay off.

Hey! Hey! You okay? That's my go-to check-in with the people I care about. I often ask friends via text if they are doing okay. I send these random check-in texts because I want them to know I genuinely care about their state of being. Life must be endured to be enjoyed, and with that endurance comes suffering, and for that, we should not go at it alone.

Final Thoughts

It's been four years since I walked into that pool session. Since then, I've gone well beyond the kayak club to build new relationships and expose myself to what we all fear most: rejection. I stumbled in to stand up comedy, joined hikes with strangers, walked across Spain via the Camino, and more.

I wish I could say it has been all sunshine and rainbows, that making friends is easy, and that the connections I want are the connections I have. Unfortunately, life's just not that simple. Friendship-making and connection-building takes time and effort. It means some acquaintances stay acquaintances, and some friendships don't work out. Yet some do. Reflecting on my 4-year friend-making experiment, I have enriched my life by the few quality friendships I've cultivated and fostered.

What would your advice be to the 80-year-old man who asked how he could make new friends?

Americans Are Lonely

Why Are More Americans Lonely

What To Do If You Are Feeling Lonely

Final Thoughts

Dream

Remember