Remember
Isn’t it amazing how one small object can flood your heart with many memories?! When we were taking down our Christmas tree after this past holiday season, I caught myself grasping onto a few of the ornaments that had been gifted to us from my parents the Christmas between our last miscarriage in September 2021 and us finding out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby (quite literally the day after Christmas we found out we were pregnant, but that is for another blog!).
We have four ornaments of the same style just with different dates on them ranging from March 2019 to September 2021. They are a harsh reminder of the pain, fear, anxiety and loss we experienced during those two and a half years of what felt like constant defeat and inadequacy. They bring out the question of “what could have been”. What would it be like to have a 3-year-old and what would it be like to have all 5 of our babies together. All sorts of emotions and feelings were running through my mind and heart. The guilt I felt at that time of being happy again, the sadness of what could have been and the reality of what we are living in today all swarmed me with an overwhelming emotional rollercoaster. This emotional rollercoaster took me down to a pit of hard emotions, but like any rollercoaster there are ups that come along with the downs.
As I was reading the dates on each of the ornaments and reflecting on those times, I felt sadness in my heart for the losses, but also felt blessed and happy for the life God has given us today. Just as God gave us Jesus as a newborn child who would eventually save us of our sins, hurt and heartache, God gave us our sweet Annabelle Clara to mend our shattered hearts. Not only did God mend our shattered hearts, but also, He mended so many family members and friends of ours who walked closely with us during our journey. So even though in the moment of taking down our Christmas tree I felt the hard emotions, God gently reminded me of our story and how we got to become Annabelle’s parents and how He plans to continue to use us through our experiences to help others near and far.
Through our journey, I have struggled at times to really know how to put my feelings into words that anyone would understand. I always felt like I could be the only one feeling or thinking the way I am. I internalized a lot of my thoughts and feelings. As time has gone on, I have learned that it is okay if nobody completely understands what I am saying or feeling. What is important is not internalizing these feelings, instead, getting them out one way or another. Hence why this blog is getting written today (1/2/2024), not knowing if or when it will be published.
I want others to know that it is okay to feel the raw rollercoaster of emotions during the holidays or on a random Tuesday afternoon. I want them to know that it is okay to still feel the guilt and what-if’s of having a miscarriage or infant loss and having their rainbow baby! It is not bad to feel the guilt of being happy with your rainbow baby while at the same time wondering about the past. I told myself during my rollercoaster ride that God has his plans for us and Annabelle and she is perfect for this imperfect world we live in. If it weren’t for the first four pregnancies ending in miscarriage, I doubt we would have had our sweet Annabelle. So, for that, I am thankful for this journey God has taken us on as Annabelle has completed our little family.
We continue to pray for all who have been through miscarriages or suffered any loss and who are eagerly seeking their time to become parents. We truly hope and pray God’s plans for you and your family work out! We know sometimes God’s plans for us are not what we want, but by building a strong foundation in your faith and hope in the Lord, all things are possible!
XOXO
Megan
