July 14, 2022

We were nervous and excited about the new adventures of parenthood. We told everyone immediately with no hesitation. God had a different plan for us. At 12 weeks we were sad, confused and left wondering what we could have done differently. We were left empty. We had to share the sad miscarriage news with family and friends.

Fast forward 3 years, we started thinking it might not happen again. Surprised, we found the same excitement but much more nervousness this time. We held the information close to us and only told family. At 12 weeks, we had an ultrasound and all looked good. One thing we didn't anticipate...twins! Yay, lets spread the news with everyone. We made it through the first trimester with twins and a good check up. Then 10 days later, I experienced signs things were not good. I was experiencing my 2nd miscarriage. We were devastated. So much pain and unanswered prayers, but it was God's plan and not for us to understand.

We now have 2 daughters and 2 grandchildren. We have reflected many times on the past, but God's plan is to move forward and trust. Healing does not have an expiration date.

January 21, 2022

Nothing can prepare your heart when, after waiting in breathless anticipation for minutes that seem like hours, the “positive” sign appears on the pregnancy test. A combination of excitement and terror builds up every day, consuming your thoughts, not allowing you to fully think of anything other than the tiny life growing inside of you. Already imagining what your sweet baby is going to look like, talk like, whose personality he or she will have. Nothing can prepare you for the unconditional love you have for a tiny being that you have yet to meet, even as morning sickness starts to rear its ugly head. Nothing can prepare your heart for that first prenatal appointment, several weeks later...the one where you get to actually SEE your little one for the first time! Nothing in the world matters more to you at that moment than seeing your baby. When the ultrasound screen pops up, you see your very own child on the screen; a head, a body, little arm and leg buds already forming. A perfect little human being.

Nothing can prepare your heart for the nurse telling you it looks like the baby is measuring a couple weeks behind what you thought he should be. Or when she tells you there isn't a heartbeat anymore. Nothing can prepare you for the utterly soul crushing feeling when you realize your baby is no longer alive. That he's not moving or growing or any of the things you thought he or she was doing. Nothing can prepare you for the weeks to follow — having to pretend like everything is normal, still having pregnancy symptoms, carrying your child inside of you still, having to force a smile when someone asks that seemingly innocent question, "So when are you going to have a baby?" Knowing that at any second your body is going to realize that the baby isn't growing, and that it needs to start the process of getting rid of him. Nothing can prepare you for the awful cramping, which is actually contractions — you're actually about to give birth to your baby. Or for holding your tiny little baby, about the size of a small grape, perfectly intact inside of his little sack. And nothing can prepare your heart for burying your precious child outside in the flower bed.

But, there's a happy ending to the story! Because what I can and have prepared for is to meet that child someday in Heaven. While we have no control over life and death on this earth, we have complete control over our eternity. We can prepare to meet our loved ones — those we've known for a lifetime, or those we didn't get to meet at all — by accepting the greatest gift of salvation. Simply confessing your sins to God, asking for His forgiveness and telling Him you believe in his Son, Jesus — that He died and rose again — immediately guarantees your eternal future in Heaven. Seeing a loved one again should not be the reason you accept this gift...if you're not sincere in confessing your sins or in putting your faith in Jesus Christ, it won't get you anywhere. But I am so thankful that I have prepared to see Heaven and our sweet baby!