Lifeboat

“Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.”

Life is full of many moments. Some moments feel like a relieving gasp of air. Some moments feel like you’ve been knocked down by a crashing wave. Some moments feel peaceful, like you’re just going with the flow. And then there are the worst moments when you feel like you are just drowning.

First and foremost, I want to say we serve a good and loving God. The things God has pulled me from and out of, I do not even have the words to express how grateful I am. I will confess, I’m not much of a writer so when Megan and Mark asked me to write something I was kind of nervous, but if God can use me to help or inspire just one person then who am I to stop him from using me? So, here is just a glimpse into my story.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have ALWAYS wanted to be a wife and a mother. I even had my own weird saying for situations like babysitting, grocery shopping or anything that felt like the stereotypical wife/mother situation. WMIT which to me means wife/mom in training. So, when I met my goofy and loving husband, I knew I was one step closer to what I’ve always wanted (gasp of air).

Our first year of marriage was great! We focused on us and growing together as a couple, despite covid making itself known and forcing us to be around each other 24/7 suddenly. We still went full force into our relationship and building our life. We even purchased our first home. Things were just flowing perfectly and then we decided it was finally time to start trying for a baby.

We tried for only three months when I received the most common sign a woman knows she might be pregnant (gasp of air), but then I took a pregnancy test, negative. Another test a week later, negative. Perhaps a blood test at the doctor? Negative. I had no clue what was happening because I had never in my life been late before. Doctors did a few tests, and I was diagnosed with PCOS (crashing wave). Where on earth did that come from?! I told myself “It’s fine. I can still get pregnant. It may just take a little longer. Gods got me! Just keep going with the flow.”

Over the next year I had friends getting pregnant (crashing wave). It’s okay! I’m so happy for them! When are you and your husband going to have kids (crashing wave)? It’s okay! They are just being nice. Ovulation test (crash) negative pregnancy test (crash) month after month. It’s okay! God has me, I still have a chance! A constant feeling of waves just crashing over you and pulling you down and you’re just trying to keep your head up and above it all until finally in November of 2022 two lines, six positive pregnancy tests, one digital just so I can see YES +, my little peanut was there, finally!

I don’t think I’ve ever felt that much joy, smiled that much, sang in the shower that much. It was just an over pouring of love and happiness. Even having to do a blood test every other day couldn’t bring me down. Seeing my hcg levels double each time was a relieving gasp of air. Unfortunately, over the weekend my levels dropped. I was on a rollercoaster for a week as I was told to continue the test and wait and see. My level went back up, but did not double and the doctors told me my pregnancy was ectopic and then I was drowning. I said that many times to my husband over the next few months. “I feel like I’m drowning.” I was just suffocating in grief and anger. The doctor warned me that people would say stupid things. That was an understatement, and I was drowning in cruel unnecessary words or having my own words turned against me.

Thank God for those people who checked on me, supported me and genuinely cared for me. God will surely put the right people in your life at the right time. Some of those people have no idea that they were helping to keep me afloat. God was right there with me, using His people to be my lifeboat. God refused to let me drown. I can promise you it was not me because I had never wanted to give up more in my life. It was by far the lowest point I have ever been in my life. I am so grateful for those people God placed in my life, the ones who have been there for years and the ones He has placed in my life over the last six months. I am still healing. The enemy is always trying to distract me or make me fearful, but I serve a big, big God and I am still hopeful for the child that I will one day have.

God will never let you drown. He will always send you a lifeboat when you need it most.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.” Isaiah 43:2

XOXO

Terri