Brave Enough?

June 29th, 2023

It was our second ultrasound. We were so excited to finally hear the heartbeat of our very anticipated first child together. I remember walking into the office and everyone just being so excited for us! For the last couple of years, we have fought so hard to find out the cause of our infertility. It turns out I had the beginnings of endometriosis and needed to have polyps removed. Going back to March of 2023, I had the procedure to have them removed. In May we were finally expecting. We are a little older in our journey, so we had already expected it to be slightly difficult for us. I was 35, and my husband Matt, 36. We were so happy to have gotten pregnant that soon after my polyp removal.

I laid down to start the ultrasound. anticipating seeing our beautiful baby growing and hearing a healthy heartbeat. We were met with the complete opposite. I had what they call a “silent miscarriage.” My body was still thinking it was pregnant, and all was well, but the baby itself was not. No heartbeat. All I could remember was that both the doctor and nurse were silent. Looking over at my husband to see tears in his eyes, I knew then that nothing was what we were expecting. At 7 weeks, we had lost our baby.

No one prepares you for this feeling. No one tells you how hard it is to grieve someone you never got to meet. No one tells you how hard this feeling of loss will hit you. Even though I knew I wasn’t alone—I had my wonderful husband and all my friends and family—I felt completely alone. Having to call everyone in our family who knew was probably one of the most difficult things we ever did. My father, Kenny, met us at home and just began to pray over me, my sister, and my mother, but I remember feeling so numb to the words they were speaking. I remember feeling angry. I remember asking God why. Why does this need to happen? Why us? Do you think we won’t be good parents? Are we not deserving? Why are we experiencing this loss? No one can ever prepare you for this.

The next couple of weeks were a blur. I had to undergo a D&C to have the baby removed since my body still thought I was pregnant, but the baby had no heartbeat. That week of waiting to see if my body would do the job and maybe I wouldn’t have to have another procedure was one of the hardest times of my life. I still had all the symptoms of being pregnant, but I wasn’t. This took a toll on my mental health. As someone who already suffers from anxiety, all I could think about was, “What did I do wrong?” “Will this continue to happen?” “Why God?” “Is this because I wouldn’t be a good mother?” “Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mother.” I started to beat myself up and blame myself. The devil was working hard.

We have an amazing church family, and our pastor and his wife came to sit with Matt and my mom, Gina, through my procedure. I remember being so grateful for the amazing people in our lives. When I got out of the procedure, I remember them walking with me as I was wheeled out to my husband’s car. They were praying for me and crying with me. Jennifer, my pastor's wife, was an angel to me, sent from the Lord. We had amazing support all around us. A few days later, after a little time of healing from the loss, I remember praying. I then began to feel a peace that I could not explain. I was reminded that God was in control. He knew I was hurting. He knew my heart was broken. He knew I was now full of fear. And he reminded me that it’s in His beautiful presence and arms that I was protected and loved. I was reminded that if Baby Barnes couldn’t be with Matt and me, he or she was with the Lord. I was comforted by visions of Baby Barnes wrapped in the arms of the one who created them. And if they were not here on earth, they were in the best place they could be. From then on out, I just remember feeling so peaceful. And even though that fear is still very present in our lives today, we know that we are meant to try again. Without fear. I am the stepmother to a beautiful 15-year old named Addison. In a strange way, this brought her and I closer. It made me realize that I cannot be paralyzed by my fears and doubts. What she sees us go through now and how we handle it will impact her life. God reminded me to be strong. And that His promises are good. We are currently trying again! Some days I’m feeling super optimistic, and then others I am absolutely terrified. But having children and teaching them that the love of God is the only way to eternal life is important. It's time to leave that fear behind. We need to have children to shine the light for God. It’s the most important thing we can ever do. Hopefully, our story will help those who are scared too. And be a reminder that God is always close. Walking before you.

Remember, He has already written the story. You just have to be brave enough to turn the page.