Postpartum Depression
The purpose of this article is not to diagnose or treat depression. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a crises, please reach out immediately to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or call 911.
I walked into Dr. Buckley’s warmly lit office. “It’s nice to meet you, Margaret,” she said, offering me a seat. I fidgeted in my chair, unsure of what to do with empty arms—hardly a second had passed in the last three months without a baby there. Was I nervous because of that emptiness or was it being in a psychiatrist’s office for the first time? She broke the silence before I thought of an answer, “Can you tell me why you’re here?” As I tried to respond, a familiar, exhausting fog filled my mind. If she could see my swirling brain, I thought, she wouldn’t have to ask.
The darkness and loneliness of postpartum depression felt unchristian of me. How could I feel forgotten by God, totally hopeless? How could I doubt the God I had spent my life following, worshiping, and serving? Maybe I wasn’t praying enough, but when I felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling, it was hard to keep praying at all.
And the loneliness and numbness was incomparable to my terrifying, intrusive thoughts—thoughts that were at odds with my beliefs and convictions, but strong, persistent thoughts nonetheless, that were impossible to ignore.
I’m thankful to live in a time and place where I have access to mental health resources such as doctors and medicine. Even so, depression is isolating, scary, and can leave the most faithful wondering, Where is God? Does he care? Will suffering ever end?
Our Heavenly Father is not afraid of questions like these. And he’s not removed from or indifferent toward our suffering. Throughout the Bible we have examples of people crying out to God, asking affliction to be taken away, praying for a miracle, or lamenting their forlorn state:
Hagar, a slave woman fleeing from abuse called God “a God of seeing”: Genesis 16:1-16
Barren, Hannah appeared drunk as she poured out her soul before God: 1 Samuel 1:9-20
In the face of unexplained suffering, Job asked God why he survived birth: Job 3:11-12
The psalmist cried out to God from the pit of despair: Psalm 40:1-3
The prophet Habakkuk asked God how long he would endure God’s silence: Habakkuk 1:2
Perhaps the most comforting, biblical example of suffering is found in Jesus. God stepped into his creation, endured suffering and death, and perfectly redeemed sinful man by becoming human. On the cross, Jesus quoted Psalm 22, desperately crying out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46b, ESV)
In the Garden of Gethsemane on the night before his death, he even asked for the cross to be taken (Luke 22:42-44). Surely if Jesus asked God the Father to “remove this cup,” there is nothing we cannot ask of our heavenly Father.
Sometimes I’m crippled by the thought that my prayers are “too big.” Sometimes I feel as if I’m a bother to God. Sometimes I’m so afraid of being let down, I can’t even bring myself to ask. But God’s word says to come to him (Matthew 11:28). God’s word says it’s okay to struggle with unbelief (Mark 9:24). God’s word says he helps us when we don’t know how to pray (Romans 8:26). And God’s word says we have a heavenly Father who wants to give us good gifts (Matthew 7:11).
Our God will always work according to his will. The cup of affliction might not be removed, but because of Jesus’ work on the cross of taking the wrath, punishment, and separation from God we deserved, we don’t ever have to “drink the cup” alone. All we have to do is acknowledge his work on the cross and believe he rose from the dead (Romans 10:9-10), and his promise is that he’ll be with us forever (John 3:16).
For the believer, he’s with you. In the darkest night he’s there—in the valley of the shadow of death. In the depression, thoughts of suicide, overwhelming grief, or total numbness, he’s there even when it’s impossible to believe. Don’t stop doing the things that are good for your spiritual health even when it feels futile. Spend time in the word, in prayer, and in community. See a doctor or counselor. When you don’t have words to pray, pray scripture. Let God’s word be always on your lips.
If Jesus, in his perfection, cried out to God in agony, surely he is not afraid of our most desperate plea. Cry out to God, your Heavenly Father.
Maggie serves alongside her husband Seth at Mercy Hill Church in Cincinnati, OH. She’s the mom of two crazy boys and one fur baby. She believes any meeting without a snack should be an email.
Psalm 18:6 (ESV), “In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.”
XOXO
Maggie