On the Brink

Have you ever watched a movie that left an impact on you? Maybe it was a book you read, a play you saw, or a song you heard. It’s interesting how entertainment can play such a profound role in our lives even when we don’t realize it.

In college, I went to a movie with my roommate. In no way was it the best movie I had ever seen. In fact, I don’t even remember its name or story line. However, the ending made it onto my bucket list. In the movie, the main character hiked The Grand Canyon on New Year’s Eve to see the last sunset of one year and the first sunrise of the next. At the time, I hadn’t been on many adventures, but hiding inside of me was an adventurous spirit and I knew this was something I wanted to do!

I married my high school sweetheart, Nick, in June of 2017. We started our marriage off with a big adventure, 2 weeks galivanting around Ireland and Scotland with short stops in England and St. John’s Newfoundland. By this time, I had been to 30 countries and I was checking things off my bucket list right and left with a smile. In 2019, we decided it was time to start our new adventure, parenthood. Little did we know, it was not as easy as checking off a bucket list item.

The year 2020 was obviously not a good year for anyone. I look back and laugh because I actually went into Hobby Lobby and purchased a planner with a cover that read “Best Year Ever.” Seriously? What kind of joke is that? Anyway, we had just taken in a sweet dog, went on a fun vacation with some friends, and best of all…we found out we were pregnant! I was due mid-September and this was clearly going to be the best year ever! Until it wasn’t. We experienced our first miscarriage and not long after our second. We were devastated.

I began taking different fertility medications to no avail. By the end of the year, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I knew we needed to do something drastic to get out of the funk we were in and to leave 2020 in the dust. The Grand Canyon hike could be just that! We would hike into the canyon, leave 2020 at the bottom and come out of it ready for a better 2021.

When Nick and I arrived at the Grand Canyon, we were prepared for a long, but fun day. Similarly to when we started trying to have a baby, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind how things would go. I knew by the time I made it back up to the top, I would feel mentally and emotionally refreshed and ready to tackle whatever came next. What I didn’t realize was that almost nothing would go the way we had planned, and this would be the most 2020 hike I had ever been on.

Not long into our hike, our water jug got a hole in it. Nick carried it like a football for over half of the hike, so we could keep refilling it at the water stations. Unfortunately though, we were there during the winter, so at a certain point the water pumps were shut off. Once we reached this point in the trail, we were out of water; and no we were not close to the end.

Nick likes to say instead of doing a “couch to 5k” we did a “couch to Grand Canyon.” I could feel my knees beginning to hurt about 30 minutes into the hike, which is unusual for me. After 4 hours of going downhill, my knees were really struggling and the way up proved to be more difficult. As we trekked up, we noticed it was snowing at the top. We didn’t think too much of it, but quickly realized we were not going to make it in time to see the sunset. The whole point of this hike, not accomplished.

The higher we walked up the canyon the lower the temperature became. The cold temperatures eventually made the remainder of our food freeze. Nick had to break the Nutella container to use the plastic shard to scoop out Nutella for us. Without water, we began eating snow off of his glove at each break. Towards the end, the lack of food and water was really having an affect on my body and I was struggling. We were stopping about every 5 minutes for me to sit down because I could barely lift my feet up. I have never experienced this kind of exhaustion.

As the sun disappeared, the sky became night and the canyon was dark, only lit by the moon and stars. We didn’t plan to still be in the canyon at this time, so we didn’t have any kind of light. At this point, we had no idea how far we were from the rim. I’m not going to lie. Things were not looking good. Neither of us had said anything out loud about this fact and I think I was in denial about it. On the other hand, Nick was making mental notes of each rescue station in case we needed to use one.

At some point when we stopped to rest, we looked out at the canyon and up at the sky. It was stunning! I had never seen so many stars in my entire life. The sky was absolutely covered with them. You could see layers of stars almost like thin blankets draped on top of one another. It was at that moment that I realized, “We would have missed this!” Had we made it to the top to watch the sunset like we planned, we would have never seen this miraculous site. What if that was the point of this hike all along? It wasn’t just to leave 2020 in the dust. It was to realize that although I may not understand in the moment, or may never understand, God’s plan is better. There is more beauty than I could ever imagine, and if I never let go of what I believe should be, I would experience so much less than what He wants to give me. And then, there were headlights! As we marveled at the sky, we saw headlights shine across the rocks above us! We were close! We were so close!

We hiked slowly, but excitedly the rest of the way. Knowing that although we still couldn’t see the finish line, it was near. When we made it to the top, there wasn’t a beautiful sunset; there was a dark video of us breathing heavily and a selfie of us bundled up in our gear looking like we were barely able to sit up. But we did it…together. Was it at the time I wanted or how we wanted it to go? No. But we made it through...together. We went on this Grand Canyon adventure hoping to have a fresh new perspective for 2021 and we got just that. In fact, we got more.

Even though we are unable to control every aspect of our lives or unable to will something to happen a certain way or a certain time, we're going through this together. We're going through the hard things with our partners, with our friends, with strangers on the Internet that we connect with through sharing our stories. We don't get to choose every detail of our lives, but we do get to choose how we craft those difficult moments into something beautiful as hard as it may be in the moment. And even though infertility was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through, thank God for the things it taught me.